Three months of not drinking has done wonders for Bert Kreischer. His liver is healthier, his blood pressure is down, and his doctors are taking him off treatments. But rather than appreciate any of it, the comedian has a date circled on his calendar: July 12th, the day he plans to start drinking again.
Kreischer’s current stretch of abstaining was not a choice. Blood clots traveled from his legs to his lungs, and his doctors told him that if he kept drinking, he was looking at serious medical consequences. So the man who built a career on shirtless debauchery has been forced to sit on the sidelines, and he is treating his recovery like a countdown timer.
When his friend and podcast co-host Ari Shaffir appeared on a recent episode drinking straight from a bottle of vodka, Kreischer lit up.
“It’s about to get warm,” he told Shaffir, “and you’re about to melt into your seat and a thunderstorm could come running up on you and you wouldn’t move. A shark could swim up to you and you’d feel confident enough to push its nose away.”
His enthusiasm for romanticizing drinking stands out when you consider what he revealed. His blood work just came back perfect. His liver is in better shape than it has been in years. His blood pressure is low. Doctors are removing him from his treatments.
“My liver now is healthier than it’s been in years. And I cannot wait to put a dent in it,” Kreischer said.
He has already mapped out how July 12th will go: a Caribbean island, cocktails in the pool, three days of drinking. He has also been quietly recording vodka advertisements for his brand, including one in which he claims his sleep score is “through the roof” because of the product, despite the fact that he cannot actually drink while promoting it.
His wife, LeeAnne, appears to see the bigger picture. After the couple’s tour bus burned down earlier this year, Kreischer asked her whether they should buy or build a new one. Her response was pointed: “The bus is still smoldering. How much longer are you going to be doing this for?”
Meanwhile, Kreischer took time during the episode to mock people who turn their recovery into a personal milestone, dismissing a man who celebrated 375 days without drinking. He went on to describe the best moments of his life as drinking on planes or convincing strangers in bars to have one more round, with no mention of his daughters or his marriage.
Kreischer’s health numbers are genuinely impressive right now. The problem is he seems to view them purely as evidence of how much damage he can afford to do once July 12th arrives.
